Qala

 What if, the only meaningful thing in your life is just one person's approval. 

Ever interacted with a kid? They are very easy to crack conversations with. Mostly because there aren't many people who would want to put in time to speak to them. God forbid if you are a kid in midst of a party of all adults, you already know it was a bad decision to come for the party if no other kid is going to be there. And this constant hunt of trying to find people like yourself, who might be okay to do some childish talks with you, becomes your whole childhood. (Most of adulthood too, but thats a different story) 

Parents also, almost always, bribe kid to do their bidding. If you eat paratha, i'll give you chocolates. If you go to school, I will take you to park in the evening. If you don't listen to me, I will not talk to you. The problem appears when they unknowing start putting barter on the unconditional love of theirs. "If you don't be this person I might not love you." Though this one always works like a charm. Because only thing the child knew that she always had, or may be only thing which really matters is now up on the stake. 

What if, the only meaningful thing in your life is just one person's approval. 

You see that your mother is not happy, mostly because you are not the person she wanted you to be. You promise yourself that you'll make it happen for her. Because then she might become happy, then she might give you her love, her approval. You start grooming yourself, loosing that weight she wanted, study as hard as you could, let go of your comic books and novels as she don't see much value in them. Don't watch late night movies, even though thats the only time they come on TV. You take up science instead on art. Engineering over animation. You work really really hard to learn to sing the way she wants you to, even though every time you fall short. You go to every extreme possible to make it to the high rank of the industry because thats the dream that she had dreamt for her family. You defy her because you believe realising this dream of hers is the only way to make her happy. 

One day you make it happen for her. But she refuses to acknowledge - because she wanted it to happen in a very very certain way - not a bit more, not a bit less. Then it dawns on you, that you can't make it happen for her. It dawns on you, you don’t even like singing. It dawns on you, you were just trying to realise her dream all this while, you have no clue at all who you really are. Nothing of yours belongs to you, it is just a bad fake imitation of what your mother is or wanted to be. You say your name loud again and again just to find meaning of it, just to find out who it is, just to find out who you are - while you just hear hollow echos and no answers. Even the remote spark of your own self - when you actually felt some connection - you had crushed with your own hands. Then you just start living in the darkness of your mind, trying to find minutest of the snowflakes which would have belonged to you. The irony of snowflakes is that they melt away as soon as you touch them. 

One day you find that your mother has finally come back to you. Suddenly you start feeling jittery. You realise that you have really little time before you could either preserve the ghost of mad and broken self, a person you have found of your own or become again your mother's daughter. In. that split moment, it all becomes clear for once and at all. You choose yourself this time. You hang yourself. You are happy, you choose peace. 

Your mother loved you always, unconditionally. She always wanted best for you, she thought this is the only way for you to get it. She was helping you make better choices in life. Guiding you along with tough love. Even when you became stubborn and choose something not meant for you, she thought she might put sense in you by taking away her support. But it was too late when she realised that she has done this tough love act for her for too long.  All she wanted was to take your head in her lap and soother you and tell you that everything is fine. We don't have to live with differences anymore, we can do what you like this time. but it was late, too late.

Want to hear a horror story - A mother gave her unconditional support and love to a child even when she was making all the wrong choices and end up creating a monster who only did what her heart desired. And they lived happily ever after. 

The Heroes of History - I, Tonya

I believe it all began when we as Humans started recording the history. Now everyone wanted their names in it and always as the winners - The Heroes of History. But the funny part about history is that it only tells you about the version of the Survivors. So you can never decide who the hero was in the actual play of events.

I, Tonya is just that. As Tonya says, her version of truth. It doesn't need to be right version, just close enough to make her look good - without distorting facts. I am not saying whether her version is right or wrong. Or if her history of abuse was something to sympathise with or actually made her a winner or just something which the movie people added just to make her case compelling, after all an underdog story is everyone's favourite - but I am not here to judge. It was story - good story on that.

It left me with a sour taste though, reminding me about the people who are hard to put down. They have this uncanny tendency of getting up again after every beating. They just don't know how to stop. It gets very difficult to sympathise with them because they don't really want the pity that you have gift wrapped in your sympathy. They just take a wilful look at it and spit. And just as they do that, your disguised pity turns into open contempt - you were being good to them after all and a spit is all they have to give you in return - when you were not even asking for anything in return really.

In that precise moment you realise that these are not the people whom you give points based on their skill or your sympathy - because they know your points are just that - pointless. So far you were something just because you could give people points and they were egar to take it. Now, you know how much these people are actually worth and so does these stubborn set of people. And even when they discard your point system you still find yourself giving them points - because that's what define you even though it doesn't define them. And you make sure you give them far less points than they actually deserve because you resent the fact that you can't beat them down, doesn't matter how hard you hit - they'll get up again.


3/5
I was a good movie!

Killing with Kindness - Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri

The movie is called Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri and trust me, it is just that. 

It would have been a very, very straight forward story of courage, but what makes it different are tiny moments of kindness. They are a community of compassionate people who are culpable of same mistake and yet similar deeds of Kindness.

How do you measure kindness? 

I guess this is that one things which need not be big the better, a tiny drop of it has the same effect as the whole sea.

That moment when Willoughby accidentally cough blood on Mildred's face and she shows kindness in that moment even though he is one she fighting really hard. And Willoughby let's her go.

The moment when the community comes forward and pays for Mildred's dues for they believe in her cause (or their own may be).

The moment when Willoughby tries to gives his family a comfort of a Happy last memory than a sad one by killing himself.

Or when Dixon saves Angela's case file even though he himself gets badly burned by the fire started by her mother.

Whether it's Penelope in her borrowed quotes and naiveness or James in his clumsy supportiveness, or the dreadful combination of Dixon and Mildred when they for a moment they are not sure if they want to kill the culprit.

They are all Hero's in their own right. As thankfully, there is no measure of kindness.

You never inflict a Revenge or Misery on others, it's only you who gets affected. It's up to you what you become as a result of it. 



4/5

It Moved Me.

Step 1. Take Control

I have been complaining from a very long time now that I don't have much to do. There is no excitement in my life, these is no thrill, no adventure no adrenaline rush but deep down i know that is so simply because I chose to live that why. So i figured this year I'll take charge. I mean there is a limit for which you could actually choose to be a lazy bum, i guess now I am bored of getting bored. So here is my plan, every month I am going to give myself a challenge, i.e. more or less indulge in an interesting activity and talk about it in my blog. Why I came across this thought? Well i figured, You can't be interesting until you do interesting things. So, what the hell, lets do it. Why blog about it? i have few reasons for that as well 1. I love to write, it is the way in which I can express myself best. 2. I need to connect with someone, even if the second person is me again. Lately i have been living a life of a loner (almost) and it is growing on me.I need to vent the steam some how. 3. I figured that writing about things i do keeps me hooked to them. 4. Who knows I might get famous. If Rebecca Black can so can I :P So what will be my activity for the month of January. By this time I have already created a list of 17 things to do. Of these the chosen activity is: Challenge January 2013 - Walk 100 KMs. I know it is an easy one, at least for me, because I love to walk. My issue is only with commitment. So, here we start. Good luck to me :)

December Marathon

Last year December, I spent my time watching movies. This year again, I am starting my movie marathon. I don't know how it'll go, but one thing I know for sure, I am in for an interesting December.

December Movie 1. Closer

It is amazing hoe life works. You spend three years of your life with someone and then one fine day your realize that you can't live with that person anymore. Every little thing about him irritates you now. Times when he used to be possessive about you before, you used be proud and now if he does the same, it suffocates you.

Love is the biggest of all commitments. Not only you promise to live with your life with just one person, but also a few restrictions becomes a part of what is called a relationship. It is easy, way easy to break the boundaries of this relationship. All you need to do is to take a simple step and say sorry. But if only, Love were such a simple thing.

The boy who lived, died today!

They say it was just a movie. May it was, but was it. The doors of Hogwads were closed forever. Now no one will call me a Muggle any more. Because magic entrapped itself, somewhere on the platform 9 3/4 at Kingcross station. For past ten years, I was carrying a wand with me, today they tell me, it is just a stick. Quidditch through ages, is banned for ages now. Every age has a fairy tale. Today they took from me, the last of my magical hope, now it is just a story which i once read, while I was a kid. I am not a kid anymore, because the boy who lived, died today. I will not name the-one-who-must-not-be-named because if not for him, I would have never known the magic i possess. I would have never known what is it to be a free elf. I would have never known me. Now no one will teach me how to pronounce "wingardium leviosa", because dictionary says, it's not a word. The room under the stairs is empty now, but i have all those memories, piece by piece in a box in my heart. I shall recite them again someday, till then, remember me!

पुराना सामान

अज कई सालों के बाद

उनका सामान जो खोला
कुछ चूडिया निकली,

टूटी सी
जो कभी हाथो में उनके
बजा करती थी
कुछ शंख थे,

सिप्पियाँ भी
बड़े शौक से
इक्कठा करती थी वो
जुराबे निकली थी ऊन की
सांझ ढले गीत गुनगुनाते हुए
अक्सर बुना करती थी वो
दवाइयों की खली बोतलों क बीच से
एक इतरदान मिला है
हलकी सी खुशबू बाकि है अभी भी
और रुक सी गयी है एक लम्हे में
कहने को बेजान है उनकी वो पुरानी घडी
कुछ पुराने ख़त मिले हैं
जिनमे उनके दिन भर का बियोरा है

कुछ गम लिखा है, कुछ यादें भी

और कुछ हसी अभी भी बाकि है
उनकी धुंधली तस्वीरो में
बिक रही हैं उनकी वो यादें आज
कौड़ियो के मोल
कहते हैं पुराना सामान है

किसी काम का नहीं

To my family and the words, said-unsaid which still lingers in the age old air of a heritage.

The Voyage and Back

Theories, they are the new me. Making sense out of chaos, is my contribution to myself. Well my latest theory says:-

THOUGH ATHEISM IS THE TRUTH, BUT WORLD IS NOT AN EASY PLACE FOR AN ATHEIST TO LIVE.

The first part of the statement might not raise many questions, because this statement is under debate for centuries now and somewhere deep down we know it's true. But still most of us like to go against it, reason being the second part of the statement.
Life is an indefinite loop of monotony, if we see it from a human prospective, I wake up in the morning, do regular work, go back to sleep at night. All these new inventions and discoveries we have introduced lately, are just to break this monotony. Now if I am religious, then i would see this whole life as a stage play, where i have to play a part somewhere in the climax (Climax being the ultimate motive of my life, one thing for which i was born and other usual blahs) and till that happens I have to prepare myself for this unknown situation in the best possible way. It's like God wants me to do an impromptu act with the best of my abilities. So whenever some good or bad occasion happens, these are the God's way to tell me if I am going in sink with or against the plan which God has already thought of as his great climax.
There is a big flaw in the making of a human, they are given brains, thats why it is important for us to look for logic in everything. A religious human obtains his logic in the slight variation of above explained scenario. But in case of Atheism logic gives a grotesque view of life. Consider, there is no God and I being a human is doing same thing everyday. I have no idea till when i'll be continuing this whole routine. It might happen that the very next moment is the last one of my life. I realize that nothing is in my control. There is no purpose what so ever of my being except that while i lived i made few other lives ( who again doesn't have any aim just like me ), happy. But if I am so cynical about this whole God thinggy, then just making others happy is not good enough a reason for me. I have seen sea and mountain once, doesn't they all look same after a point of time. I have read a few stories, doesn't most of them ends in similar manner? What if I don't know how to play flute or violin, what difference would it make even if i knew them. I am going to die one day, just like billions of other who are living in same age as I. Even if I live as a Good or Bad person, on both the cases, my end will be death. Even if I take right or wrong decision, it'll remain same. Even if I read all of philosophy, my life remains useless. Quite a depressing picture.
You might argue that I am being mean to Atheists. The religious human do nothing good then fighting for useless causes, themselves. Well, I can't agree more with you. But I find, most of the Atheists as cynics and sadists (I being one myself) just because they know the brutal reality and accept it. I am not saying there is anything wrong in it but just that life gets a bit difficult for them. Life of a religious human is rather easy. I being an Atheist myself once, have now decide to move back to the safe and secure life of religion ( Even though it is my personal God and it's my personal religion). I consider myself too timid a human to go against God's will. Though I truly respect Atheists, as they are those who knows the trust have the courage to live it.

Just finished watching "Charlie St. Cloud" and I would like to finish by saying -
We got just one life,
TO BE WHO WE WANT TO BE,
TO BE WHO WE COULD BE.


Background music - Trains and winter rains (Enya) (link wasn't working, sorry)

Mind a Walk?

I always wanted to figure out this world I always love complexities because it gives me something to solve and world came across the biggest complexities of all. I could never infer what world as a whole is trying to do? Where we are heading? So i started searching history. The idea of democracy appealed to me, so i stick with it for a long time until I came across chaos. The Chaos Theory made my understanding of world even more complex and in the process of figuring out the purpose, I opted Nihilism and then the ultimate... Anarchy. This whole hopping from one philosophy to other might came across as a delusions of a confused mind but when I look back I find it rather logical evolution. Even now i can not say that I have figured this world out, but what I have totally accepted is the triviality of the whole system. It made me sad and purposeless.
Then I saw this movie... "Flipped". Pretty chick flick I must say, what from the movie stayed back with me was one thing which all of us have already came across millions of time over.
"It's about the bigger picture" It says, somethings are more when they less and others are less when they are more. If we see world as a whole, it is more of a dystopia than a fairy tale. It doesn't make much meaning. World is one thing which is more beautiful when is seen in parts.
We do the mistake of watching people trough the glasses of a different world. Watch them in their own world and you will know that their world has a purpose.
I do not want to tell them about the world, all I want is to know their world.

Last Day of the Month of Jan 2011

It's been a month now, so I guess a blog entry is a must. Watched 27 movies so far, not bad on that account but a zilch on book account, I don't like that fact much. My movie journey couldn't have been better as it started with Black Swan and the last film being 127 Hours. Man, it's something. On that you can't rule out the Romanticism of Matthew movies, they along with his lectures, make your day worthwhile. Almost like, I have justified my life in those few hours.
Nikita rightly put it, I could not comprehend, doesn't matter how hard I try, where exactly these day flew. That is the thing with time, you keep trying to make something out of it, complaining, you don't have much to do and it keep running out of your hand. Last day of the month already, and what a month it was.
Home, Placements, Chain.., Wins, Looses, all that and more. Mere two months of MICA is left and still it seems I haven't got enough of it yet. People have already start making plans of going home, already booked tickets and parents have already started planning for convocation and what not. I really don't mind time to pass at its own pace but what I do mind is my inability to go back and relive. I am missing the rewind button.
Then in one of the movies I saw recently someone quoted "What's with your generation and documentation of all your life?" I guess the movie was Easy A. I would say, it is something like The Tomb of Tutankhamen, our little effort in our own way to leave a little bit of ourself around for someone (majorly us) to read and relive who we were, wanted to be and became.

The last day of year 2010

Here is the end of the month, I tried to keep a account of how many stories am i able to cover in this month. It turns our during these 31 days, i watched 39 movies and read 2 books, thats a pretty impressive figure and it does reveal much about my life, that it is non-existent. Through stories I learn, it gives me a perspective to see and understand things. Some how the things I do/watch turns out to be in a sequence, as if they are a part of some bigger puzzle. I just finished Half Nelson, a story of a professor who wants to change the world but realizes he can't and just after that I watched this TED video by Kiran Bir Sethi who infected me by the bug of 'I can'.

(Off Topic: I found something really peculiar. we study about behavior marketing, well this is something our mothers have been using since very long. When we were kids if they wanted us to stop sucking our thumb, they used to put mirchi on it so that the brain trains itself. Mumz are really cool! The same concept of behavior training is been applied by Kiran as well)

Last year, my resolution was , to watch at least one movie per day, i guess i have watched more movies than needed. So, what is the resolution for this year? umm.. i'll post it soon, dun wry!

December 29, 2010 - The day took the vow

I have this habit, that whenever i watch a movie i tend related myself with one of the character of the movie. So, from now on along with the movie name, i'll add the character that i felt closest to.
Beautiful Girls - that 13 year old neighbor girl.
Me and You and Everyone we know - The elder of two brothers.

The Lives of Others - HGW XX/7, the spy!

This is the first feature film by Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck, the guy who knows French, Italian, Russian, German, and of course English. The film won Oscar in 2007. I always had this desire to become a film director. Loads of things have changed about me in all these years, but this one thing just stayed inside me. so, this is what it is going to be. on 90th Oscar ceremony, be ready to see my name along with it.

Wall Street - Money never sleeps - The girl who works with frozen truth.
Half Nelson - The Teacher, not that strongly though, wasn't interested in the movie much. Not that it's a bad movie.

Menace of Age

Age and Woman are constant enemies. Trust me, its not only about the youth of a woman but it is related to everything else, that a woman does, as well. Now consider this, a lady who teaches with my mum in her school visits our place. She can't be more than 4 or 5 years older than I. Couldn't be married for more than 2 to 3 years max. But just because she is friends with my mother I, in all my foolishness, addressed her "AUNTY". O holy crap of virgin mother of god! this is the most dreadful thing you could do to any woman. Irony being, I did it in all innocence. But even my innocence couldn't spare me from the peril of distress that i have caused that woman.
What could be more dreadful to you than that a woman(oh how i hate to call myself that) your age is calling you "the unspeakable word" just because you are married and more so because you are friends with her mother. I mean, its not a crime to be friends with your colleagues is it? The picture of that lady swallowing the hard fact down her throat flashes continuously in front of my eyes and I couldn't stop being sorry for the lady who has been nothing but kind to me. At the same time I also couldn't being sorry for myself for my own foolishness and lack of understanding of the future where i would be facing the same situation.(I know it'll happen because the curse by that lady is going to haunt me until, thats how it's been prophesied in the divine book of woman hate code).
Rightly they say that a woman is the biggest enemy of another woman. I have committed a dreadful crime, in foolishness or otherwise and now I have been given the punishment of visualizing the future, before its due time, and live in fear for what will fall upon me. All I could ask from the ugly goddess of woman's youth and beauty is to be merciful to me.Amen!

28 December 2010 - The number 23 theory

The invention of Lying
I guess, the theory of number 23 is true, i.e. more you start thinking about something more it gets real to you. As it says in 'The Alchemist' and 'Om Shanti Om' world actually starts conspiring to get you the thing you want the most because you are thinking about it the most. From here emerges the theory of 'The Secret', if you just think of one thing and start working towards it obviously it'll happen. Because things starts happening the moment you start doing them, 'Eat.Pray.Love.'. And you start seeing similar things around you just because you are looking for them. Obviously 'dhhondne se to bhagwan bhi milta hai' isn't it!
My number 23 is the chaos, It started when 'Nihilism' was tossed in front of me. Then when today 'The invention of Lying' was screened in front of me, it made me rewind things. Possibility could be that there was 'The man from the earth' or more simply, because we all want some meaning to our life and live it in a grander way we tend to make it a 'Big Fish'. Then our lies come back to us and tell us "you'll meet a tall dark stranger" and we happily hold on to the thought because we are "Alice in a wonderland". That is the reason why we think to go for "revolutionary roads" so that even we could follow someone "into the wild". There are the "eternal sunshine of a spotless mind" that we live in but when the "Chronicles of Narnia" ends its just "The fight club".

One after Christmas

exam
Book: P.S. I Love You
Eat.Pray.Love.
Chaos Theory
I wanted this movie to be pseudo intellectual, something straight out of a H.G.Wells book, but it turned out to be romcom. It leaves you with a good feel in the heart anyways, so its ok. Chaos is anyways too close to me to be left at just the name of the movie. I see chaos as the sum of unlimited individual patterns put together. We continue to live our life in a pattern, thats what even Newton agrees with when he states his second law of motion. It's just that when that 'external force' happens, we just switch patterns. Then you would say, where is the pattern in human life if we keep hopping from here to there. Well, if you observe closely around you, you'll find it is very rare that people actually switch patterns in their life. They get so used to their daily routine that the concept of change sounds like a calamity to them. That is the power as well as danger of following a pattern. But even when we change tracks, we are following a pattern, because then you fall into pattern of changing patterns.
No one has broken the web of chaos yet. It gets denser with every new move one thinks, because it again becomes the start of a new pattern. May be that is what we have to do, we have to fill every empty space possible and try to cover all the patterns.


Be as diverse as possible.

A post before Christmas

It's been a really long while since i actually posted something rather than just updating the name of the movie in my ever increasing list of movies. Though I am trying really hard to focus on creating a priority list in my life rather than movie list, but it's not working. I am home now a days, and trust me days back home are like cleansing days for the soul. The world outside corrupts you, snatches away all your dreams and leaves you with the phantoms of depression and dismay. The Medusa of vices seduces you with its alluring charms, presenting mirage after mirage of heartbreaking beauty of nothingness of life while reciting enchanting tales of insignificance of your own being. Home is one place where you get to have a randevozuos with your innocence which stays under the expensive layers of Mac and Revlon while hiding itself from the gruesome and macabre faces of worldliness and perfection of the authority holders of the world. This kind of authority needs not to be any red tape or bureaucrat because so lame are the calls of valor of a human that it dreads even the hush and polite whisper of the aunt who lives next door and pertaining to her interests in the fantasies of the real world, she cooks her whims and fancies into the delightful delicacy of mockery and serves it in the neighborhood, kind hearted that she is.
The prolixity of my writing may amuse you, as it unveils my efforts of removing ashes from a long burned portrait to collect the remains, if any, of the picturesque reminiscent of the child who promised oneself to rule the world as it knew no force who could stop it from doing so.
"Some men die with their music inside them"
21 Dec 2010 Music Inside
As I remember it, my mind paints for me a picture of mine where I am listening to this music divine.

22 Dec 2010 Dorian Gray
Vices will never take you anywhere?

12 Dec 2010

Four Christmases
6:50Pm - The Cinderella Story

Why do i even bother to watch movies?

13 dec 2010

The Sea Inside
My life in ruins
Moulin Rouge

14 DEC 2010

THE CONSTANT GARDNER
Australia

15 Dec 2010
Wild Child
Almost Famous

16 Dec 2010
Band Baja Barat - Loved the movie, typical dhinchak stuff!
No Problem - crap
Faster

17 dec 2010
True romance

Someone will play, just the music you would want to hear. Upload a video on facebook, which is tells you just the story you need to see. Smile back at you just when you are looking for some smile around. When end comes, you start remembering everything that has been. Thank you MICA, for just being.

19 dec 2010
You will find someone tall and handsome

21 dec 2010
sin nombre

11 December 2010

6:00 AM - Devil wears Prada

After a long time i saw this real awesome shit! I totally love the flick and it's going to the list of my all times favorite that includes -

1. VeerZaara
2. Mr. & Mrs. Smith
3. Devil wears Prada

Must have done something right!

Sorry and thanx Aparna for everything and more.

And about why there are just three in the list of all time favorites? Well, I love watching movies, at times I like them like hell (that in short means I cry a lot in them) the kinds like "The Time Traveler's wife" may be. But at times, you just have this feeling that this is one movie which will stay with you for life. Thats when it goes into your all time favorites list. It is like this, I don't know myself much. I am this strange animal to me. So, things that i just felt intuitively are the only ones that feel genuine about myself. Don't worry, you'll get the hang of me soon.

7 Dec 2010

4:16 am - Nine


I wish to fall in love with just one face.
And I wish the person be me.

I shall be the artist, the lover, the teacher,
and the only muse.
I'll be the last song, of today and tomorrow,
and with in me i'll let it fuse.

You may find it rotten, selfish or mean,
I am naked for you to see.
but i would rather tell the story of,
no one else but me.

I see my self smile,
among the blood, the pain and bile.
I behold your evil in my eyes,
because with beauty the beast be sides.

Don't show me mercy, don't curse me,
don't tell me moral of being.
If you care, you love, then do me a favor,
for a while let me be me.

6 Dec 2010

12:15am - Khele hum jee jaan se

Purpose in life?

It's Sonam's b'day. Had a nice chat with few really special people after a long time. and the best part was all of it happened on one single day. When history calls, it's never in snippets.