What if, the only meaningful thing in your life is just one person's approval.
Ever interacted with a kid? They are very easy to crack conversations with. Mostly because there aren't many people who would want to put in time to speak to them. God forbid if you are a kid in midst of a party of all adults, you already know it was a bad decision to come for the party if no other kid is going to be there. And this constant hunt of trying to find people like yourself, who might be okay to do some childish talks with you, becomes your whole childhood. (Most of adulthood too, but thats a different story)
Parents also, almost always, bribe kid to do their bidding. If you eat paratha, i'll give you chocolates. If you go to school, I will take you to park in the evening. If you don't listen to me, I will not talk to you. The problem appears when they unknowing start putting barter on the unconditional love of theirs. "If you don't be this person I might not love you." Though this one always works like a charm. Because only thing the child knew that she always had, or may be only thing which really matters is now up on the stake.
What if, the only meaningful thing in your life is just one person's approval.
You see that your mother is not happy, mostly because you are not the person she wanted you to be. You promise yourself that you'll make it happen for her. Because then she might become happy, then she might give you her love, her approval. You start grooming yourself, loosing that weight she wanted, study as hard as you could, let go of your comic books and novels as she don't see much value in them. Don't watch late night movies, even though thats the only time they come on TV. You take up science instead on art. Engineering over animation. You work really really hard to learn to sing the way she wants you to, even though every time you fall short. You go to every extreme possible to make it to the high rank of the industry because thats the dream that she had dreamt for her family. You defy her because you believe realising this dream of hers is the only way to make her happy.
One day you make it happen for her. But she refuses to acknowledge - because she wanted it to happen in a very very certain way - not a bit more, not a bit less. Then it dawns on you, that you can't make it happen for her. It dawns on you, you don’t even like singing. It dawns on you, you were just trying to realise her dream all this while, you have no clue at all who you really are. Nothing of yours belongs to you, it is just a bad fake imitation of what your mother is or wanted to be. You say your name loud again and again just to find meaning of it, just to find out who it is, just to find out who you are - while you just hear hollow echos and no answers. Even the remote spark of your own self - when you actually felt some connection - you had crushed with your own hands. Then you just start living in the darkness of your mind, trying to find minutest of the snowflakes which would have belonged to you. The irony of snowflakes is that they melt away as soon as you touch them.
One day you find that your mother has finally come back to you. Suddenly you start feeling jittery. You realise that you have really little time before you could either preserve the ghost of mad and broken self, a person you have found of your own or become again your mother's daughter. In. that split moment, it all becomes clear for once and at all. You choose yourself this time. You hang yourself. You are happy, you choose peace.
Your mother loved you always, unconditionally. She always wanted best for you, she thought this is the only way for you to get it. She was helping you make better choices in life. Guiding you along with tough love. Even when you became stubborn and choose something not meant for you, she thought she might put sense in you by taking away her support. But it was too late when she realised that she has done this tough love act for her for too long. All she wanted was to take your head in her lap and soother you and tell you that everything is fine. We don't have to live with differences anymore, we can do what you like this time. but it was late, too late.
Want to hear a horror story - A mother gave her unconditional support and love to a child even when she was making all the wrong choices and end up creating a monster who only did what her heart desired. And they lived happily ever after.
